As your baby becomes a toddler and then a preschooler, you may find that they also grow into masters of stalling.
Bedtime, you say? And suddenly your child wants to know how an airplane stays in the sky or why Mommy and Daddy get to sleep together in their own room. Young children become instant philosophers and masters of scientific inquiry precisely at the moment you say, “Time to brush your teeth and get to bed!”
Or maybe you have fallen into the habit of lying down next to your child until he goes to sleep just to keep him in bed. It happens so easily, doesn’t it? Helping our children learn to stay in bed, go to sleep by themselves and get back to sleep when they wake at night are all learned skills. Here are a few tips to help:
A Good Offense
First, be proactive and set an appropriate bedtime. Your child will benefit from being asleep by 8 to 8:30 p.m. each night (depending on their age). Back up from there and be sure you are eating dinner at least one to two hours before your child’s bedtime routine begins. A calming bedtime routine can include putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, a last sip of water, a final potty stop, reading a book, snuggles and into bed and lights off. Try to find a plan that suits your family, which doesn’t take too long, and that you can stick to most every evening.
Children often experience separation anxiety at this age and their fears are real. So, treat your child with respect by checking under the bed or in the closet if asked (of course, tell them that there is no such thing as monsters), closing the closet doors and curtains so scary shadows don’t fall on the walls, and warmly assuring him that you are protecting him.
You want bedtime to remain a calm and cozy time as opposed to an anxious and frustrating time. While you are seeking to enact a more disciplined routine, you want to remain a loving and gentle parent, assuring your child of your care for him while allaying his fears or concerns.
[Read: Tips to End Your Child’s Early Rising.]
Create a New Sleep Association
If your child is accustomed to you lying down next to her, rubbing her back or singing her to sleep, you will need to change her sleep association so it is not dependent on your presence. If your child depends on you to lay with her to sleep, she will expect this during the night when she wakes up. In other words, it’s time for sleep coaching! Make a sleep plan with your partner for how and when you want to begin and how you will follow through so that everyone is on board together. This will take some extra time up front and even some nights of much less sleep for two to three weeks, but it will be worth it in the end.
A Family Meeting
Take time to discuss as a family why bedtime changes are necessary to ensure everyone gets the sleep they need. Your child may already sense that a change needs to be made. Many children are relieved when parents bring this up. They know that something is wrong, that Mom and Dad are frustrated and want them to sleep differently.
Explain that you will stay with them each night as they learn to stay in bed and go to sleep by themselves but that you will not be laying down next to them — or whatever habit you need to break. Your child will be comforted that you will not be leaving them alone to learn this new way of going to bed.
Set Clear Expectations
For instance, if he keeps calling you back to tuck him in, let him know this is the last time, and then stick to it. You can return to his doorway after a minute to praise him for staying in bed and not calling out to you again. But take care to not re-engage in a new discussion at this point. Say goodnight and walk away.
Be clear with your child that “Mommy will not be lying down with you anymore” (for example). Or if he comes into your bedroom, let him know that you will now hug him and tell him you love him and will send him (or walk him) right back to bed. He won’t be getting into your bed, either. Adapt your words for your situation, but be as clear and concise as possible.
[Read: 10 Benefits of an Early Bedtime for Your Child.]
Sleep Manners Chart
Most kids love stickers, charts and rewards for doing what we ask them to do. Make a simple sticker chart with a few nightly expectations for your child stated in positive terms. Your list may include:
— Cooperate at bedtime.
— Put self to sleep quietly without Mommy or Daddy laying down with you.
— Snuggle with bear and put self quietly back to sleep during the night.
— Stay in bed quietly until the wake up light comes on.
Since your child probably doesn’t know how to tell time yet, a toddler clock — with a wake up light to rouse the child — can be very helpful in signaling when it’s OK to get up and start the day.
Let your child be involved by choosing his own stickers and contributing to the list of expectations. Each night before bed, take a few minutes to review your chart. Each morning, review your child’s sleep manners and give out a sticker or smiley face next to the manner your child achieved, and of course, lots of hugs and verbal praise, too. Praise her achievements before family members. During the day, mention the new routine in a positive way, emphasizing successes and gently reminding her of expectations, but not dwelling on her failures.
Sleep Coaching
If part of the issue is that your toddler simply does not know how to get to sleep by himself, then you will want to stay nearby him for several nights while he learns this new skill.
Sit in a chair next to your toddler while he goes to sleep at bedtime, and each time he wakes up during the night, calmly return your child to bed and sit by his bedside until he is asleep. Every three nights, move your chair further away and closer to the door. If you are consistent — which is no small feat — your toddler should sleep through the night within two to three weeks.
[See: How to Promote Safe Sleep for Your Infant.]
For this new habit to take root, be sure your child is getting the right amount of daytime sleep for his age. If he is nap-deprived, it will be much harder for him to learn this new skill of going to sleep and staying asleep.
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Helping Your Child Stay in Bed originally appeared on usnews.com