When you share your home with children, you’re likely to witness kids’ challenges with impulse control on a regular basis. A young boy throws his dirty laundry in his big sister’s face. He thinks it’s funny. She doesn’t, so she shoves her little brother. OK, so maybe that’s just a typical morning at Chez Silverman. With children ages 6 and 7 years old, we deal with our share of impulsivity.
It’s not like adults are immune to the problem, either. We’ve all said or done things we wished we could take back. Maybe you just ate or drank something you know you’ll regret later. Or perhaps under pressure you agreed to pile one more to-do item on your already overflowing plate when you should have just said no. These momentary lapses don’t make us less able to help our children, but rather, more understanding of the challenges they face.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Self-control is an important social skill for any child. Sporadic impulsivity can be a source of frustration in childhood friendships and sibling rivalry, while consistent impulsivity can put children and young adults at risk for problematic behaviors. Studies have shown that impulsivity in childhood has been linked with substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, criminal activity and aggression in adolescence and adulthood.
The good news is that when impulsive children are nurtured in caring families, they not only can thrive, but according to some research, actually engage in lower rates of risky behavior than their less impulsive peers.
Given that all children must learn how to curb the impulse to do the first thing that pops into their heads, what can we do to help them?
During a period when children are calm and content, rather than when they’re frustrated, hungry or exhausted, sit down and have a conversation about impulse control. It’s hard to have a reasonable conversation when your child is in the throes of impulsivity. When working with children, as well as parents, coaches and educators, I talk about taking a STEP back. Here’s how that breaks down by the letter:
S — Stop or slow down. Before jumping in or making a snap decision, challenge your children to stop for a moment. Even if they don’t use any other technique, simply pausing before acting, can help put some space between thought and action.
T — Think through the problem or choice. Urge them to ask themselves; to what am I saying yes or no? What is the real problem? Often children will react to a feeling, like anger, rather than take action to solve the problem.
[Read: Do Your Children Tell the Truth?]
E — Evaluate the solutions or choices. Once your children determine the choice they are actually considering, give them key questions to use to help make a decision. We actually post these in strategic places in our house, such as on the refrigerator door or playroom wall:
— Is it safe?
— Is it fair?
— Will it work?
— Is it right for me?
As children get older, they will also benefit from questions that take perspective and forethought. For example: “What might the other person do or think if I make this choice? What will be the likely consequence of my actions?”
P — Proceed with the plan. Once it’s determined that the choice is likely safe, fair, effective and right for the child, teach them to proceed with their decision confidently. If it isn’t working or your child feels that the choice is no longer safe, fair or right for her, tell her that she can always change direction.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Of course, sometimes children will mess up, as we all do. They may feel embarrassed or sad. So make sure to teach them how to repair their relationships and apologize with sincerity. And remind them, there is always next time. Childhood offers countless chances to gain skills and ultimately master them. That’s something kids — and parents — should keep in mind.
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Teaching Kids Self-Control originally appeared on usnews.com
