We have quickly moved from the excitement of New Year’s Day — accompanied by plans and hopes for a better new year — past the Super Bowl with its circus entertainment mixed with consumerism, to mid-February where nationally there is a brief consideration of romantic love. Each morning that I drive to work, my car is filled with voices attempting to convince me that romantic bliss is just a dozen roses, a box of chocolates or a pair of “hoodie-footy” pajamas away.
Given that there is so much focus on romance and coupling at this time of year, I would like to focus on what may be the least romantic topic of all — breaking up. As a clinician, I see failure to execute and sustain a break-up as a major obstacle to happiness, growth and emotional stability. While reasons vary for why people cannot commit to and sustain a breakup, it is clear that there are certain popular recurring themes that hold people together when they would be better apart.
The language of cognitive behavioral therapy, the most popular theory guiding psychotherapy in the U.S. today, can allow us insight into many of these reasons by labeling them “cognitive distortions.” A working definition of cognitive distortions is that they are irrational thoughts that lead someone toward unhealthy mood states. According to CBT theory, correcting cognitive distortions will improve mood.
I have selected the most common cognitive distortions that I see in my patients following a breakup, plus some methods for helping counter them.
Before embarking along this path of brain-powered misery making and some antidotes, it is important to note that not all negative thoughts are distortions. We are all imperfect people living imperfectly, and to deny that we can do no better in any domain is to hold oneself up as perfect.
1. Self-blaming. Successful romantic relationships are the confluence of almost infinite factors. It is rare that one can identify a single factor that leads to the dissolution of a relationship. Despite this fact, our psyche seeks to write a fiction that makes sense and that fits our normal mode of storytelling; a method full of protagonists, antagonists, rights and wrongs. “If I would have just …” or “What if I had said X instead of Y?” With few exceptions, the loss of a relationship is more complicated than you will be able to piece together. Of course there are many things that could lead one to “save” a relationship, but possibly the cost of doing any of those things simply outweighed the value the relationship had in your life. The exceedingly high likelihood is that your relationships demise was a co-creation of you, your ex and the environment in which the relationship took place. A question you can ask yourself is whether the “save” would have just been a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.
2. Catastrophic interpretations. Very frequently, people immediately conclude following a breakup that they will never love again. An alternative cognitive distortion is even more damaging: the idea that while they may love, they will eternally be unlovable to all future partners. In the minds of many, the loss of relationship portends doom in all aspects of life — and worse, they cannot even turn to previously supportive friendships for support because “who would want them?” My experience has been that it is frequently the opposite situation. One’s close relations want to be helpful and create a nurturing environment for the newly aggrieved. Questions that one can ask to challenge this distortion include: Am I fundamentally less attractive as a person than before I entered this relationship? Have I seen others lose one relationship only to find and form a better one? Have I felt this way in the past following a romantic loss, and if so, what helped me get through it?
3. Overvaluation of items. After a breakup, my patients will often speak of needing to retrieve some item that is of limited value from their ex-partner. This ritual found its best pop-cultural representation in an early episode of “Seinfeld.” George has just broken up with his girlfriend Marlene, and Jerry fails to convince him that he doesn’t really need to retrieve the books he left in her apartment. George’s efforts to get his books back from Marlene lead to a series of comical events. Unfortunately for most, the difficulty inherent in post-breakup item exchange is only characterized by pain, often characterized by undesired recoupling and not humor. For example, if an article of clothing you are seeking to retrieve can be replaced, replace it and move on. If it cannot be replaced, ask yourself: How much will your life be negatively impacted by not having it? Are a few additional months or years in a relationship you don’t want to be in worth the pleasure you will get from wearing a Super Bowl XXXVII sweatshirt?
4. Mental filtering. While many people can describe in great detail what makes them miserable while seeing a particular romantic partner, this ability miraculously declines once one has exited a relationship. Loneliness frequently works as a filter to the conceptions of one’s ex; it only allows you to see the good in the person you lost and none of the bad. I have seen people make sub-par ex-boyfriends into heroes just days following a breakup. Reminding yourself of the things that made the relationship less than ideal is important as you try and regain a sense of self that does not include your previous other. If you cannot do this on your own, ask your friends what complaints you had about your ex. Since they were likely the ones who had to listen to the shortcomings, but don’t have the emotional blocks to recalling them, they should be able to remind you.
Actually being able to practice these principles or even accept them when you are down is difficult. While you are working to right yourself following romantic loss, I want to include a few words about what is never the right answer. Despite what many of the most popular breakup songs preach, alcohol will not make things better. In fact — drinking to excess during periods of sadness can make the sadness worse, can impair already clouded judgment and can put you directly in harm’s way.
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Anti-Romance: Why Breaking Up Is So Hard to Do originally appeared on usnews.com