Experiencing the death of a loved one is always tragic. But when someone you’re close to dies from suicide, the aftermath can be particularly complex.
Suicide adds “multiple layers” to the grieving process, say David and Norma Walker of Garland, Texas, whose 15-year-old daughter, Sadie, died from suicide last December. “Any death is going to be hard,” David Walker says. “But with suicide, you’re dealing with many different emotions and experiences.”
While there’s no single way to recover from this kind of loss, experts and survivors offer the following coping strategies:
Educate yourself — and others. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, a New York City-based nonprofit that aims to understand and prevent suicide through research, education and advocacy, more than 40,000 Americans die by suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for individuals ages 10 to 24, and the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. Yet due to stigma and a lack of dialogue, few people understand suicide — or believe it can happen to someone close to them.
“People walk around thinking they’re immune to certain things,” says Michelle Cornette, executive director of the American Association of Suicidology, a District of Columbia-based group that strives to understand and prevent suicide. “Only certain types of family members or people take their own lives. And then someone in their immediate network dies of suicide, and it shakes up their world view.”
Experts don’t know what drives people to take their own life. According to Dr. Christine Moutier, AFSP’s chief medical officer, suicide “is typically the result of biological, psychological, social and environmental factors that converge, often as the result of stressful triggers and in the context of lethal means.” Research suggests 90 percent of those who die by suicide had a diagnosable psychiatric disorder.
Understanding suicide — and talking about it — can help reduce stigma and save lives, says David Walker, whose family now engages in public awareness and outreach efforts.
Seek support. The sooner you seek help from a professional after a suicide, the better, says Eric Marcus, senior director for loss and bereavement programs at AFSP. He has seen families and relationships torn apart by a lack of communication or support.
Peer support can be very healing for some survivors because it helps normalize both emotions and life changes they’re dealing with. And therapy — such as cognitive behavioral therapy and group family therapy — can also be helpful for survivors. Others might benefit from talking to a counselor, a licensed social worker or a spiritual leader in their community.
However, someone doesn’t necessarily need a degree to be of service — or of comfort. Reach out to friends, relatives, neighbors or peers who can help you with everything from everyday tasks such as cooking and running errands to simply providing you with conversation, company or a hug, Norma Walker says.
Avoid lingering ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs.’ Suicide can often be accompanied by whirlwind of speculation: Didn’t we love them enough? Didn’t they love us enough? Could we have done anything to prevent this? Were there signs we should have noticed before it was too late?
“Since hindsight is 20-20, often-missed clues become available that were understandably not seen or identified. These circumstances can lead to conflicted — and more prolonged — grief,” Moutier says.
While it’s easy to imagine where things went wrong, it’s impossible to pinpoint one reason or factor that led to suicide. Often, the person was mentally ill and had been sick for some time before taking his or her own life.
Take care of yourself. Marcus recommends basic self-care after the suicide of a loved one. “Everything from exercising to breathing to eating well — these are all the personal-care issues you have to pay attention to in the aftermath of a traumatic death,” he says.
Since mental illness often runs in families, it’s important to have an open conversation with surviving relatives about suicide, says Kim Ruocco, manager for suicide outreach and education programs at The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, a nonprofit based in Arlington, Virginia, that provides care and support to families and friends who’ve lost someone in the armed forces. Ruocco lost her husband, a veteran, to suicide. Define the difference between mental heath and physical health, and be prepared to discuss topics such as depression and other mental health conditions.
Stay mindful of language. Experts and survivors say it’s important to adhere to the family’s preferred terminology surrounding a loved one’s death.
“You want to ask the family what their perception is of how [the person] died,” Ruocco says. “You want to adopt the language they use. They may call it an accident — an ‘accidental death.’ On the news it may be, and the coroner’s report might say, it’s a suicide. But if the family believes it’s something else, don’t assume otherwise based on public knowledge.”
Experts discourage the term “commit suicide” because it sounds similar to disparaging phrases such as “committed a crime” or “committed a sin.” They also suggest avoiding “successful suicide,” which suggests suicide is something one can “achieve.” Instead, they recommend sticking to phrases such as “died from suicide,” “took her own life” or “ended their life.”
If you’re a family member or relative, language and terminology can become particularly important when informing the community of a death. Whether it’s an obituary or memorial website, it’s normal for survivors to become stymied on what to say. Should they err on the side of privacy, or attempt to combat stigma by remaining open about the cause of death? Should they worry about suicide contagion?
The wording in the obituary “is really up to [you],” Ruocco says. “Most people are not comfortable saying ‘died from suicide’ in an obituary” because they’re still in shock. Plus, family members might disagree about how to address the death — a conflict that could add additional stress to an already stressful situation. Ruocco recommends keeping the obituary as simple as possible: honoring the person’s life, love and achievements, and focusing on the life lived instead of the death.
Be honest and open. “The best thing you can do about suicide is talk about it,” Marcus says. “Not talking about it is dangerous.” This means addressing the real cause of death with friends, family members and the community.
While broaching the subject with children is often difficult, Ruocco says there are appropriate ways to do so. She doesn’t recommend lying about cause of death: “When kids are around 7 years old, they start to understand the permanence of death,” she says. “So we talk about what death means. What does it mean when the body dies? Then, you can go forward talking about how the person who died was very sick and in pain. You say in very simple terms, ‘Their minds weren’t working. They were in a lot of pain. So much pain, they made their body stop working.'”
If you initially struggle to find the words to talk about the death, go easy on yourself. “You can’t stand up,” David Walker says. “You can’t even wash your face. And here you are expected to be able come up with some insightful way of explaining something … that you don’t even understand. It’s not a fair situation to be in, so you can understand why some people don’t handle it correctly.”
Try not to blame anyone. After a loved one dies from suicide, you “want to find an answer,” Norma Walker says. “But at the heart of it, there’s a mystery you may not be able to find all the answers to. You then have the tendency to want to blame others, which needs to be resisted.”
Surround yourself with positive people. After a death, your support networks tend to shift. Some people may be there for you; others won’t be. Some will express kindness, but you may encounter insensitive, awkward or judgmental comments.
If certain people are making you feel isolated, awkward or in pain, it’s OK to move away from them, Cornette says. Seek a new network with individuals who understand — and support — what you’re feeling.
Share only what you want to. In the wake of a suicide, survivors may be on the receiving end of curiosity, gossip or well-intended, yet poorly phrased questions. Those on the outside may pry for details you don’t want to divulge, such as circumstances surrounding the death or deeply personal emotions you aren’t ready to express. It’s OK to politely — but firmly — tell someone it’s too painful to talk about such things, Moutier says.
Know that everyone’s story — and experience — is different. Maybe there was a history of mental illness; maybe there wasn’t. Maybe you were a military spouse, or your father was a soldier. Maybe your loved one was a teen whose death was chronicled via social media; maybe the circumstances surrounding his or her death are deeply private. Chances are, your story resembles someone else’s in some ways — and in other ways, it doesn’t. Allow yourself to embrace the uniqueness of your situation, and don’t worry whether your narrative — or recovery process — resembles anyone else’s.
Let yourself grieve. Grief is a complex emotion — and there’s no right or wrong way to feel, Norma Walker says.
“You don’t feel like things make any sense,” she says. “You go from anger to disbelief to shock to denial to ‘This is not happening to us.'” Don’t let anyone tell you that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to feel. Some days, you might want to keep to yourself and remain quiet. Other days, you might want to scream and cry. This is perfectly normal, experts say.
Grief also isn’t reserved for close family members or best friends. Maybe your co-worker died, or you’re a mental health provider whose patient died from suicide. In these cases, it can be difficult to find an outlet to grieve, Cornette says — especially if you aren’t considered part of the “inner circle” of the person who died. She recommends contacting a support group or therapist, or participating in programs that connect you with other suicide survivors.
Stay hopeful. After losing a loved one to suicide, it’s important to know that life can and will get better, David and Norma Walker say. Keep in mind that you have the right to enjoy life, to smile and laugh again and to love others.
For additional resources, visit: American Association of Suicidology ; American Foundation for Suicide Prevention ; Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors ; Suicide Prevention Resource Center ; Survivors of Suicide ; and Suicide Awareness: Voices of Education .
More from U.S. News
9 Things to Do or Say When a Loved One Talks About Taking Their Life
How to Find the Best Mental Health Professional for You
Coping With Depression at Work
Surviving a Loved One’s Suicide originally appeared on usnews.com