How can you lean in when you’re already maxed out? That’s a question that Katrina Alcorn, author of “Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink ,” posed to a packed house at the Lead On Watermark Silicon Valley Conference for Women last week. Prior to a keynote address from former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, Alcorn and her fellow panelists tackled the difficult topic of “life balance survival strategies” during their dynamic breakout session.
“We need to fight for our right to lean out,” Alcorn told the crowd. “We need to talk about who else needs to lean in, including partners, co-workers, employers and policymakers.”
In an exclusive interview with Alcorn, she shares some insider tips on how to manage the chaos of daily life in an overconnected society with no boundaries. Here are three real solutions everyone can use to attain a new equilibrium — and a semblance of sanity — in a “lean-in” world:
Change the way you talk about being overwhelmed. Working parents — and women in particular — are often apologetic about the reality of their situations and responsibilities when they conflict with their job responsibilities. To change the conversation so employers and colleagues will listen, Alcorn recommends not treating overwork as though it were a personal choice. Instead, clearly communicate that it’s a business problem.
“When we see the problem for what it is, that’s when we’ll get serious about solving it,” she says. “I think it’s really about a shift in perspective. We need to shift away from thinking everything is a result of personal choices we’ve made — and therefore we are failing by not being perfect workers and simultaneously perfect parents — and acknowledge the bigger picture.”
She adds that the core conundrum working parents face is that most jobs are not made for people who have children — and yet most people will have children or other caregiving responsibilities in the course of their lifetime, and most people need to work. “We try to do our jobs as if we don’t have children, and then raise our children as if we don’t have jobs,” Alcorn says. “Eventually, some of us burn out — a lot of us, actually. And then feel like we’re failures, like we made the wrong choices in life.”
To avoid this problem, Alcorn recommends broadening the conversation to include not only personal choices — to have kids or not, to work or not — but also solutions that would make the workplace more compatible with the way families are structured today. She says we should be talking about things like paid sick leave and maternity leave, adding that half of American workers don’t have paid sick leave and that the U.S. is the only country in the developed world that doesn’t guarantee paid maternity leave. “We should be talking about things like how to change work culture to focus on results, rather on arbitrary things like who stays latest at the office,” she says.
Take the sting out of saying “no.” While saying “no” to others can be difficult, sometimes declining invitations can be the only way to say “yes” to yourself. However, you might (understandably) worry that too much leaning out could lead to lost opportunities that may never resurface. Alcorn suggests taking a thoughtful approach to determine the best way to say “no” for a particular circumstance, especially if you prefer to keep the door open in the future.
“Maybe “no” just means ‘not right now — try me in six months,'” she says. “Maybe you can delegate the task to someone else, including your partner, if you’re in a relationship. If it’s a career opportunity, maybe you can pass it along to someone else. That way you’re saying ‘no,’ but still strengthening your professional network. New opportunities may come your way later as a result.”
Be willing to be more vulnerable. In a world that often seems to revolve around social media, the “Facebook Effect” — in which researchers have shown that use of the site makes people feel sad, lonely and envious — can lead people to present a false positive front, since everyone else seems to be doing so well. While Alcorn notes there’s nothing wrong with trying to appear “together,” she acknowledges that the Facebook Effect cranks up the pressure to be inauthentic. In turn, that can lead to problems with balance, given that no one knows when you need help and support if everything appears to be going smoothly on the surface.
“Everyone has a perfect life on Facebook,” she says. “But there’s a time to be vulnerable, and it starts with being honest with yourself about where you’re at, then working out from there. Tell your partner or your close friends what’s going on with you and how they can support you. When we try to do it all alone, that’s when we get in trouble.”
Alcorn adds that in some cases, it can be appropriate to tell co-workers or your manager what’s going on with you, too. “People often feel like they have to remove their humanity at work like it’s a coat they take off, but it doesn’t really work that way, does it?” she asks. “We have to enlist the important people in our lives to be our allies, and to do that, we have to let go of the illusion of perfection.”
Robin Madell has spent over two decades as a corporate writer, journalist, and communications consultant on business, leadership and career issues. She serves as a copywriter, speechwriter and ghostwriter for executives and entrepreneurs across diverse industries, including finance, technology, healthcare, law, real estate, advertising and marketing. Robin has interviewed over 1,000 thought leaders around the globe and has won 20 awards for editorial excellence. She has served on the Board of Directors of the Healthcare Businesswomen’s Association in both New York and San Francisco, and contributed to the book “Be Your Own Mentor: Strategies from Top Women on the Secrets of Success,” published by Random House. Robin is also the author of “Surviving Your Thirties: Americans Talk About Life After 30” and co-author of “The Strong Principles: Career Success.” Connect with her on LinkedIn or follow her on Twitter: @robinmadell.
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