In 2007, Kat Garcia was drugged and sexually assaulted after being lured to what she thought was a networking event. No one else was there when she showed up, which she didn’t think was weird, but after chatting with one guy over wine, she began to get suspicious when she realized no one else had arrived.
“I was feeling drunk after half a glass of wine, which was unusual,” she says. “I can hold my alcohol pretty well, so I started to get a bad feeling about the situation. Then I realized exactly what was happening. I kept screaming no in my head, but it came out as mumbles, and I couldn’t get my body to fight him off. I didn’t realize he had drugged me until after.”
Garcia, who was 26 when she was assaulted, managed to make it to the bathroom and locked herself inside until she was able to leave. She never reported the attack, which she says is something she regrets. “I wish I had been brave enough to say something back then because I can’t, and don’t want to, imagine all of the other women he’s done this to.”
Garcia, now 33, is one of more than 237,000 people over age 12 who are raped or sexually assaulted every year, according to the U.S. Department of Justice’s National Crime Victimization Survey. If a friend, family member or loved one confides in you that he or she was attacked, it can be difficult to know how to respond — which Garcia found out the hard way. “When I confided in a friend she said horrible things like, ‘It could have been worse,’ and ‘You should have known better than to put yourself in that situation,'” Garcia says. “Needless to say, that person is no longer my friend.”
Knowing how to properly respond can make a big difference in how your friend or loved one recovers after the attack, so if you find yourself in the situation, follow these tips.
Don’t talk. Listen. Don’t be tempted to jump into the conversation and start talking, says Peter Economou, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Felician College in New Jersey. “The best way to respond is to be open and listen,” he says. “It’s just that simple in the beginning. Provide the opportunity for them to be heard, and provide support through open body language and nonjudgmental and loving eye contact.”
Don’t ask why. Show support. As your friend begins to open up, it’s important you don’t ask why the attack happened, Economou says. When you ask “why,” you’re pushing some blame onto the survivor, he says, and making it seem as though he or she could have prevented the attack. “This is such a simple word that most folks think means they are showing that they’re listening,” he says. “Rather, it is a three-letter word that is full of judgment. The bottom line is that victims who can feel love and support are more likely to endure and overcome obstacles following the assault.”
Don’t call them a victim. Call them a survivor. Even though something awful happened, don’t call your friend a victim, says Garcia, who’s now a spokeswoman for the National Notary Association. “It makes it feel like we can or should have done something to prevent the attack,” she says. “I prefer calling myself a survivor because it makes me feel more empowered. Many sexual assaults are about power and control, and calling myself a survivor rather than a victim helps me take back as much of the power and control as possible.”
Don’t push for details. Let him or her open up. Even if your curiosity is piqued, it’s important to let survivors share what they’re comfortable with at their own rate and not force them to divulge what they aren’t ready to, says Darcie Folsom, director of sexual violence prevention and advocacy at Connecticut College. “It is not your responsibility to get all of the details,” she says. “Let them share what they are comfortable disclosing to you, but understand that if they do choose to report [the assault to authorities], they will have to articulate the details several times.”
Don’t act shocked. Act concerned. Your initial reaction can sway how your friend or loved one responds to the situation — especially if you’re the first person they tell, Folsom says. “If your initial response is of shock or disbelief, the victim will be less inclined to tell anyone else,” she says, “especially anyone who is in a place to help.”
Don’t instruct what to do next. Offer options. No matter how bad you want your friend to get checked out at a hospital and to report the incident to the police, don’t tell him or her what to do, Folsom says. “Power and control has been taken away from them, and we want to reinstate this power by allowing victims to choose their own path,” she says. “Give options such as reporting it to the police, seeking help from a community resource including counseling or, if the victim is a college student, consulting with proper administrators.”
Don’t try to handle it alone. Get help. Unless you’re a licensed counselor, odds are you’re not well-equipped to handle the situation on your own, Folsom says. Offer all the support you can, but know when to tap out. “Be as supportive as you possibly can while recognizing your own limitations,” she says. “I work with students whose friends have been affected, and it is not easy for them be the the victim’s primary source of support. It is OK to defer to professionals. The more aware you are of your role, the better equipped you will be to help your friend.”
Trying to shoulder the entire load can have an impact on you, Folsom says, so make sure you take the time to address your own mental health. “There are numerous resources across the country with trained professionals, including national and state hotlines available 24/7, community resources, victim advocates, counseling centers and more who all can assist in providing support to both you and the victim.”
For more guidance, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE(4673).
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What Not to Say to Someone Who Was Sexually Assaulted originally appeared on usnews.com