Intention: good. Delivery: fail

When Hollye Jacobs was in the midst of breast cancer treatment, well-meaners had a tendency to tell her she’d be “just fine.”

“I wanted to pull the remaining hair out of my nearly bald head,” says Jacobs, 43, who lives in Santa Barbara, California. “Despite the fact that people lovingly believe you will indeed be fine, those words just don’t sit well. What I wanted to know was that people would be there for me, no matter when or where I needed them. It was that reassurance that gave me hope on especially difficult days.”

Open mouth, insert foot

Allow those who have been there — among the 1 in 8 women who develop the disease — to tell you: People say the darndest things to breast cancer patients. When Katherine O’Brien, 48, of Chicago, was on the breastcancer.org board several years ago, she and a friend issued a challenge to their stage IV online discussion group: What’s the dumbest thing people have said to you? The results, which prompt a round of head-shaking, include: “Are they sure you have cancer?” “Why are you always so tired?” “If something happens to you, I’m taking the flat-screen TV.”

During National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, learn from those who have misspoken before you. Here’s what not to say to a breast cancer patient, plus suggestions on what you should say.

‘You’ll be fine.’

“Unless you’re an oncologist, you have no idea if someone will be fine,” O’Brien says. And as Mandi Hudson, 34, of Salt Lake City, adds: “I hated being told I would be fine. I wasn’t fine, and now that I have metastatic cancer, everything didn’t exactly turn out fine. I didn’t want people to tell me something they couldn’t guarantee.” As a better option, stick with: “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope your treatments are going well.”

Same goes for “you can beat this.” “While some cancers are, in fact, beatable, some aren’t,” O’Brien says, adding that there’s currently no cure for metastatic breast cancer. Rather than telling someone not to worry, and that they’ll be fine, try, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. How are you holding up?”

‘Lucky you — you get a free boob job.’

“It’s amazing how many people will comment on reconstruction being something to be happy about or a bonus,” Hudson says. “I would rather just pay for a boob job than go through a mastectomy and then have the muscle removed from my back to make a pocket for an implant in my chest, but maybe that’s just me — plus the scars from front to back aren’t nearly as appealing.”

You’re significantly better off asking a woman how she feels about her upcoming surgery.

‘At least they caught it early.’

When someone is diagnosed with breast cancer, the diagnosis is devastating and takes time to register, Jacobs says. “‘At least they caught it early’ feels dismissive,” she says. Your friend’s health care team will likely help her “realize the silver lining of an early diagnosis.” Let them.

‘You get to take a few months off work.’

Jacobs has one thing to say: “This is not — I repeat: not! — a vacation. I missed work terribly,” she says, adding that being alone and sick was both physically and emotionally difficult. If your co-worker has breast cancer, tell her you’ll miss her at the office and look forward to her return. Show your support through letters, emails and phone calls telling her she’s missed.

‘Well, we’re all terminal. You never know, you could get hit by a bus.’

If you’re considering saying this to someone with breast cancer, “just don’t,” O’Brien says. “Some of my [metastatic breast cancer] friends say having stage IV breast cancer is like getting hit by a bus — and getting stuck to the grille while the bus keeps going. The fatality statistics tell a different story: “Approximately 4,500 people die per year in traffic/pedestrian accidents, but 108 people die in the U.S. per day from metastatic breast cancer — 40,000 per year,” O’Brien says. “It’s not the same.”

‘Let me know if you need anything.’

It’s more helpful to offer to do something specific. Breast cancer patients “have a lot of needs, but it’s hard to pick them out and ask for help for each one,” Hudson says. She suggests offering to deliver dinner on Tuesday, watch the kids on Saturday, mow the lawn and pull weeds, or help with cleaning. In other words, think of “things that give a super-tired family an extra break or reprieve from the things that need to get done, but are extra hard to do when you’re exhausted and in treatment,” Hudson says.

‘At least you have a nicely shaped head.’

O’Brien has heard folks say this to someone losing her hair because of chemotherapy. It’s not helpful, she says. Losing hair can be an incredibly difficult part of the breast cancer process, and it’s often best not to remark on a woman’s hair at all — unless you’re reminding her how beautiful she is.

‘Have you tried baking soda? Asparagus?’

If you think someone wants to hear about that “remedy” or “cure” you just know is worth trying, think again. “It’s unlikely grocery store shelves hold the key to reverse the rapid proliferation of abnormal cells,” O’Brien says.

‘So-and-so had cancer, and she died.’

We all know people die from breast cancer, “but trust me, we don’t need reminders when we’re in the midst of treatment,” Hudson says. No one wants to hear about your aunt or sister or friend who died of the disease they’re currently fighting. Note that the same goes for “so-and-so had breast cancer, and she’s fine.” Every case is different, and as Jacobs says, it’s not smart to assume what kind of stories a person does or doesn’t want to hear about someone else’s experience. Stick with: “I know others who have had breast cancer, and I wish you the very best during your treatment and recovery.”

Nothing

If silence is ever effective, it’s not now. Keeping quiet is far worse than saying or doing something you perceive to be “wrong,” Jacobs says. If you’re coming up short on words, “be honest and admit your feelings of inadequacy.” Reassurance that you will be present, no matter what happens, is often all someone needs to hear.

More from U.S. News

A Tour of Mammographic Screenings During Your Life

Breast Pain? Stop Worrying About Cancer

16 Health Screenings All Women Need

What Not to Say to a Breast Cancer Patient originally appeared on usnews.com