WASHINGTON – Conflict between mothers and daughters can often carry over into adulthood, but there are ways to minimize the struggle.

“It’s often in the teenage years that that tension and fraught relationship can go on and on,” says Elizabeth Bernstein, a columnist for The Wall Street Journal.

She says the tension exists in part because the mother hasn’t really let go, and the daughter hasn’t really set boundaries.

“From day one, at birth, [the mom] is charged with keeping her little chicks in a row. And so here she comes to her adult daughter and she says things like, ‘Honey, that lipstick doesn’t look great on you,’ or, ‘Do you like your haircut?'”

Bernstein, who wrote a story on the subject recently, says the first step to getting along is for both women to realize more adult roles.

For example, Bernstein says a mother shouldn’t say things to her adult daughter that she wouldn’t say to her friends, such as criticize the color of her lipstick or the way she handles her young children. At the same time, the daughter can choose how she receives such remarks.

“The daughter hears it as real criticism, and not necessarily helpful criticism,” Bernstein says. “So the daughter needs to remember she’s not 12, she’s an adult, and she doesn’t have to hear it through those 12-year-old ears. She doesn’t have to be so sensitive to it.”

Ultimately, Bernstein says, both women have a part to play. And if the relationship is seriously strained, she recommends mother-daughter counseling as a possible move toward solution.

“They both have to work on this. The daughter has to do her part. The mom has to ask, ‘Honey, do you need help with the kids?’ Don’t offer all that unsolicited advice. It’s clearly not helping because it’s upsetting your daughter. You have to treat your daughter as an adult.”

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